


Finding Shadows in Darkness

by madameruth



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 07:04:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6744283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madameruth/pseuds/madameruth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Janeway is subjected to a month of torture by a xenophobic race of aliens. Will B'Elanna be able to help Kathryn get through the difficult time ahead?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I'm horrible at summaries. Please be kind though, this is my first.. Enjoy!

A hot breeze blustered across the sparse terrain as Commander Chakotay retraced his steps back to the rendezvous point with the rest of his Alpha team. _What a God forsaken, desolate place_ , he thought, not the ideal planet on which to search for food supplies. Unfortunately it was the only M-class planet that the U.S.S. Voyager had come across in weeks, and out of necessity they were forced to stop to replenish their stock. Most of the other teams were already milling about near the beam-down site, and their findings were meager indeed.

Neelix was terribly disappointed with the planet, and he resigned himself to the fact that he would have to start using Starfleet rations to supplement his Delta Quadrant menu. This thought was repugnant to the Talaxian, but unavoidable now that their away mission had proved fruitless. Literally.

"Is everyone back, Lieutenant?" Chakotay asked the Vulcan second officer as he tried to dust off some of the pale grit from his boots. Somehow Tuvok's uniform was spotless.

"We are still waiting for three members of Beta team to return, as well as Lieutenant Torres and the Captain," Tuvok reported dispassionately. The words were barely from his mouth when three crewmen walked up to the rest of the group, looking hot and decidedly uncomfortable in their black uniforms.

"Shelby, you were with the Captain and Torres," said the Commander. "Any idea when we can expect them to return?"

"We thought they already had, sir," replied the former Maquis technician. “Lt. Torres found traces of tellerium in a nearby cave, so she and Captain Janeway went to investigate while the rest of us continued our search for food."

"Tellerium?"

"Yes, sir. Lt. Torres says we will be able to use it on the power generation systems. She seemed very excited about the find."

Chakotay smiled. That was just the sort of thing B'Elanna WOULD get excited about. And no doubt the Captain is having a field day as well. "Perhaps they can use some help. Chakotay to Torres," he tapped his combadge. After a few seconds of silence he tried again. "Chakotay to Janeway, do you read?"

Still nothing. Chakotay was about to question Shelby further when he was interrupted by a communiqu from the ship.

"Voyager to away team. How's it going, Commander?" came Ensign Kim’s voice.

"Rather poorly I'm afraid. And it seems we have misplaced the Captain and Torres."

"Misplaced?"

"They haven't returned to the rendezvous point yet and they are not answering hails," Chakotay squinted against the harsh twin suns as he raised his face towards the ship orbiting the planet.

"We'll try a sensor sweep, stand by..." replied the senior Ops officer. "We are only reading 22 comm signals, Commander, and no other humanoid lifesigns. Do you have their last known coordinates?"

"Yes, they were last seen at some nearby caves searching for tellerium. Tuvok, crewman Shelby, and I will take a look. It could be that solar radiation is interfering with the ship's sensors. We’ll try using the tricorders, they might be more effective."

"Let us know if you need any help, Commander," the Ensign ordered from the heavens. "I'll begin beaming up the rest of the away team."

"Acknowledged. Chakotay out," he signed off, and nodding to Tuvok and Shelby, he added, "Let's move out."

* * *

 

After twenty minutes of clambering over dry, dusty rocks and boulders, Chakotay was relieved to see a small cave opening up ahead. The suns were bearing down on them mercilessly, and both he and Shelby had removed their uniform jackets. Tuvok appeared unaffected by the draining heat, and his eyes were fixed unwavering on his tricorder as he effortlessly picked his way over the rocky ground. _Damn Vulcans_ , cursed Chakotay under his breath.

The mouth of the cave was only a meter high and inside the ceiling was not much taller. Chakotay was crouching as he ran his wrist light over the cave walls, disappointed to find the space ended only five meters away. The tricorder indicated that there was only solid rock behind the wall, and there were no other tunnels or crevices into which the Janeway and Torres may have ventured.

“There are moderate traces of tellerium, Commander, but the deposits are deep within the rock face," Tuvok said. "It is unlikely we would be able to successfully mine the ore without considerable time and effort. 

"So there's no reason why they would have stayed in here," murmured Chakotay thoughtfully.

"That would be a logical conclusion."

"So where did they go from here?"

"Sensors indicate they were here within the last hour, but other than that I am unable to determine their course or destination."

"Their combadges shouldn't have been affected by the tellerium or the cave, we're not deep enough." To test his theory, Chakotay tried to raise Harry Kim. His prompt reply was received without any distortion. "We have searched the small cave where the Captain and Torres were last sighted, but there is no sign of them. And there is nothing in here that would indicate any sort of signal interference."

"We haven't had any luck either," Harry answered. "What do you suggest we do now?"

"We’ll return to the ship and discuss strategies and organize search parties. They have to be down there somewhere, and I want to find them before nightfall. We don't know what kind of conditions they might encounter if they have to stay out there all night."

"Understood, Commander.”

“Three to beam up."

* * *

 

The cave was plunged into darkness once again as they dematerialized in a shimmering wave of light.

B'Elanna Torres opened her eyes with a start and found herself staring at a damp rock wall. She sat up slowly in the unfamiliar surroundings, her shoulder stiff from lying so heavily on her side. Her mind was a little dazed and confused but almost immediately her Klingon instincts took over and she was alert and on the defensive. B'Elanna was alone in some kind of cave, the dark walls surrounding her closely on three sides. The floor was covered with a sandy substance and she could hear the faint dripping of water somewhere. She remembered searching a similar cave for tellerium with Captain Janeway, but when they realized how difficult it would be to mine, they decided to leave and rejoin the rest of their team. That was the last memory she had. Now the Captain was nowhere to be found, and she herself didn't know where she was.

B'Elanna felt her chest and belt pouch and with a groan realized her combadge, tricorder, and phaser were missing. Her wrist torch was still intact but she soon discovered it didn't work. There was a faint light source somewhere ahead of her, but when she tried to leave the small cavern she smacked straight into a force field. The energy charge sizzled and threw her bodily to the ground with a heavy thud. B'Elanna suppressed the urge to roar in anger and frustration as she realized she was actually in some kind of holding cell. She was being kept prisoner. Her mind burned with questions-- Where was she? Who was holding her here? What the hell was happening? The thought that struck her more forcefully though was where was Janeway? B'Elanna wished she could remember exactly what had happened, but her mind stubbornly refused to supply her with the answers. It seemed she would have to wait until whomever was keeping her here decided to reveal themselves. She made up her mind to get their attention first.

"HEY!" she yelled, standing as close to the force field as she could without getting zapped again. "Is anyone there? CAPTAIN?!"

Her voice echoed around the cave structure, and then silence. B'Elanna kicked the sandy floor viciously and quickly scanned the immediate area for anything that might be a control panel. Maybe she could use the wiring from her wrist torch to disable the force field, and then she could try and find Janeway. The cavern walls looked natural enough without any obvious circuitry or power board.

B'Elanna was infuriated by now and fought the irrational temptation to take another jump at the invisible force field and just damn well fight her way out.

All of a sudden she heard light, even footsteps coming her way. The "corridor" outside her cell was lit somberly, and she strained her eyes to catch a glimpse of her captor, if that's who it was.

B'Elanna was stunned speechless with relief when the approaching person turned out to be Chakotay. The former Maquis officer sauntered into the cavern as if he were on a stroll on the holodeck without a care in the world.

"Chakotay, it's you!" cried B'Elanna when she found her voice. "What the hell going on here?"

Chakotay merely smiled coldly at her, planting his hands firmly on her hips. He began to walk up and down in front of the force field, curiously studying Torres. B'Elanna stepped forward, bristling with anger, about to demand an explanation from the Commander, when she looked deep into his soul-less eyes and saw no spark of recognition. She realized this wasn't Chakotay. Not HER Chakotay.

“Who are you? What have you done with Chakotay?" B'Elanna growled menacingly.

The imposter smiled again, a grin so devoid of emotion that a chill ran up B'Elanna's ridged spine.

"There is no need to be alarmed, B'Elanna Torres," he cooed. Whoever he was she looked and sounded exactly like Chakotay.

"No need?" scoffed B'Elanna trying to disguise the unease in her voice. "I demand to know who you are. Where am I? Where is my captain?"

"Do not concern yourself with Kathryn Janeway. We are taking special care of her," placated the being, resuming his slow pacing before the cell. "I am Imo, and this is the Kar’Zain homeworld. Welcome," he bowed mockingly.

"Have you taken us from the planet we were on?"

"Not at all, you have merely been brought deep below the surface."

"Why?"

"All these questions, B'Elanna Torres," Imo's voice grew cold. "You dare to query me when you and your friends were the ones trespassing on MY world. It is I who should be asking the questions."

"We had no idea there were any inhabitants on this planet," reasoned B'Elanna. "Our sensors found no trace of any humanoid life forms."

"Then obviously your traces were not thorough enough."

"Just what is happening here?" B'Elanna asked, growing impatient. "Why do you look and sound like Chakotay?"

"We have the ability to select certain images and information from your short term memory, and we adopt these familiar forms so that you might feel more comfortable with us," Imo-Chakotay smiled again. "We find our "guests" are more cooperative that way."

"And just what is it you want to know?"

"We wish to know what you were looking for on our planet."

"If you can scan my short term memory you'll know why. We were searching for food."

The alien laughed soundlessly. "You would be surprised how easy it is to train oneself to bury important secrets, B'Elanna Torres. I can't trust you. I can't tell when you are lying and when you are telling the truth. And I can't risk releasing you until I know what you want here. Please, allow me to explain.

"My people were once an enlightened species, devoted to learning and enlightenment. We traveled the stars just as you do, we explored, we discovered, and we were visionaries in this sector. But we had enemies. Enemies who were envious of our civilization and were intent on seeing it destroyed. For centuries we have been defending our world from invaders, from those ruthless scavengers who would take what they did not own. Our planet was practically made a wasteland and the Kar’Zain were forced to live underground like filthy animals. Our society was crushed; we are no longer a respected, learned race. All we do is fight to protect what is rightfully ours, and I will DIE before I allow your people to continue this onslaught!" Imo’s eyes were burning with intense loathing and mistrust.

"You don't understand, we mean you no harm," B'Elanna almost pleaded. "We are visitors to this part of the universe, brought thousands of light years from our home against our will. We are trying to find our way back to our part of space, and the only reason we stopped here was to look for supplies. We thought this planet was uninhabited, we never wanted to intrude."

"You expect me to believe this?" Imo spat. "We have detected your ship in a low orbit around our planet, we know its weapon capabilities and crew compliment and it looks suspiciously like an assault cruiser. Do you intend to invade Kar’Zain?"

"NO! You must believe me. We have no interest in this place. If you would just allow my partner and me to leave, I give you my word that our ship will depart immediately. But if you keep us locked up I can promise you that my people won't leave until they find us."

"Your people do not even know where you are, B'Elanna Torres. So far their scans have found nothing. After all these years living underground we have developed far superior shielding devices, certainly beyond your ship's pitiful capabilities," the alien said disdainfully. "No, you will stay here until all of our questions have been answered."

"I JUST TOLD YOU EVERYTHING!" B'Elanna shouted, wanting to tear her hair out in frustration.

"That is why we are hoping that your captain will be a little more accommodating," Imo sidled up to the force field seductively, running Chakotay’s dark chocolate eyes over B'Elanna's body. It was enough to make her skin crawl, but Imo only grinned in response. "You are strong, B'Elanna Torres.  I suspected from the start she would be more compliant under our methods of... persuasion. She is the captain after all.."

B'Elanna inched forward and fixed Imo with her most threatening stare. "Where is my Captain? What have you done to her?"

"Why, nothing. Not yet. It really depends on you. Are you willing to tell me what you know?"

"I HAVE told you the truth, I swear it. We pose absolutely no threat to your people."

"I am disappointed," Imo-Chakotay sighed regretfully, shaking his head. "This can always get rather messy."

Another being entered the cavern, this time in the form of Tom Paris. He glanced cockily at B'Elanna, but then ignored her as he addressed Imo.

"All the preparations have been made, Monitor. We are ready to begin.

"Excellent, Dawen," the alien beamed. He turned to face B'Elanna again, not losing the pleasant smile or the dimples from his face. "We gave you ample opportunity, B'Elanna Torres, but I'm afraid I grow impatient with your lies. I will leave you now, and pay my respects to Kathryn Janeway."

"Wait! Come back!" yelled B'Elanna as she watched the two figures walk away. “What can I do to convince you I'm telling the truth? IMO?!"

It was too late. B'Elanna was alone once more in the dark cave, left to only imagine just what Imo’s "methods of persuasion" were, and what they meant for Janeway. She looked around desperately for some way to get out, for anything that might help her get to her captain. But there was nothing. She was helpless. A few minutes later she shivered unconsciously when in the distance she heard a faint but gut-wrenching scream. It was a familiar, human scream. B'Elanna closed her eyes and let herself fall heavily to her knees on the sandy floor of her cell.

* * *

 

In Voyager's conference room, Commander Chakotay leaned over the table, his hands resting on its smooth surface, head bowed in defeat. The other officers sat gloomily in their seats, acutely aware of the two conspicuously empty chairs. Neelix shifted uncomfortably in his place, while Tom and Harry stared at the Commander with miserable eyes.

"It has been a month and a half," stated Chakotay softly, in hushed disbelief. "How could they have just disappeared without a trace? We have done everything we possibly can to find them, and still nothing."

"We have no explanation, Commander--" started Harry quietly.

"That is not good enough, Ensign!" Chakotay angrily thrust himself from the table. "I am not willing to just lose the Captain and Chief Engineer of this ship and not have SOME answers why!" He turned towards the window and took a deep breath, feeling deep down that he was responsible for Kathryn and B’Elanna’s disappearance. He had been in charge of the away mission, so who else could he blame but himself?

"Commander, perhaps it is time to consider other options," Tuvok broke the dark silence.

"You mean it's time we gave up and just left!" snorted Paris, leaning back in his chair. "That's what you're really saying, isn't it, Tuvok?"

"It is a logical course of action, Mr. Paris," agreed the Vulcan. "To stay here longer would serve no purpose. We have found no evidence to suggest that the Captain and Lt. Torres are still on the planet, or that they are still alive."

"We have found nothing to suggest they are dead, either, Mr. Tuvok," said Neelix. "Though I admit that after all this time the odds are not in our favor."

Chakotay slumped tiredly against the wall, his back towards the other officers, not wanting to face anyone at that moment.

"I'm not willing to give up yet!" Tom cried vehemently. "They're down there, I know they are. We just need to think of some other way of locating them."

"The decision to continue repetitive searches is not yours to make, Lieutenant," Tuvok reminded him. "It is understandable that you would be reluctant to admit defeat, Mr. Paris. But the good of the few cannot outweigh the good of the many, and we must continue our journey home without them... I am sure that is what the Captain would want. Their loss will be felt by the entire crew."

"Yeah, except by you, you emotionless son-of-a-bitch!" snarled Tom poisonously, his eyes blazing.

"That's ENOUGH, Lieutenant!" barked Chakotay as he whirled around to fix him with an angry glare. "This bickering is pointless. It won't help us find Kathryn and B'Elanna... You know very well we have tried every kind of sensor sweep, used the most powerful scanning technology we have, and haven't turned up one single piece of evidence. We have to face facts, Tom. Its been almost two months. Voyager cannot stay here forever." His heart broke as he uttered the last sentence. How would he be able to take her place? No one could take her place, but it was a fact he would have to get used to.

"What are you saying, Commander?" asked Harry quietly.

Chakotay straightened himself up and made up his mind. "I am ordering one final sweep of the entire planet and then we will prepare to break orbit."

"Chakotay, no!" began Tom, but he cut him off sharply.

"If you have something to say, Lieutenant, then say it now. But my decision is final," he dared him to contradict him, but Tom swallowed his protests and stood slowly to his feet. "Well, Mr. Paris?"

"I have nothing to say to you, Commander," he said disgustedly, emphasizing her rank as if it were a dirty word. Chakotay met his resentful gaze unblinkingly, and dismissed them. Harry was tempted to pause and say something to him after the others had filed out onto the bridge, but one look changed his mind. _Things were definitely going to be uncomfortable around here for a while_ , he sighed.

Chakotay gave himself a moment to collect his thoughts and calm his anger before he too took his place on the bridge. Paris had resumed his place at conn, and Tuvok was preparing to carry out the last sensor sweep. Several crewmembers on the bridge glanced up to look at him when he entered, having just been told of their standing orders. Theirs were looks of sadness and disappointment, but the commander would not let himself be affected by them. He was now solely responsible for the entire crew, and this decision, though incredibly painful, was the right one to make. Just as he was about to take her place in the command chair, Lieutenant Rollins at Ops addressed him urgently.

"Commander, I think I've found something," the young man's voice was almost breathless from excitement. "I've just picked up two combadge signals!"  

"Are you sure, Mr. Rollins?" gasped Chakotay eagerly.

"Yes, sir, the signal is coming from the cave where the Captain and Lieutenant were last seen. Life signs are faint but they're definitely alive."

"Beam them to sickbay immediately," Chakotay could not hide the relief that flooded over him. Tom was grinning at the helm, and he caught his eye with a twinkle. He nodded slightly to him, their confrontation forgotten. "Tuvok, you're with me. We'll be getting that explanation we wanted in sickbay. Harry, you have the bridge."

"Aye, Commander," he smiled.

Chakotay and Tuvok quickly headed for the turbolift.

"Commander, do you mind if I join you?" said Tom as he jumped up from his station. Chakotay could not deny his request, knowing how close he was to Torres, and since he had a familial relationship with the Captain.

"Very well, Tom. Let's go," he replied. Tom tried not to look sheepish as he took his place by Tuvok's side in the lift, hoping the senior lieutenant wouldn't hold what he had said against him. _Lucky Vulcans don't believe in holding grudges_ , Tom smirked to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

The three officers stepped through the doors to sickbay, and found both Torres and Janeway under the doctor's care. Janeway was unconscious and being scanned by the EMH, while Kes looked after B'Elanna on the other biobed. She was awake and sitting up, looking very tired and disheveled, but unhurt. Eyeing Janeway nervously, Chakotay made a beeline for B’Elanna to make sure she was truly all right.

"I'm fine, Chakotay, really," she said quietly. "It's the Captain we should be worried about."

"Doctor?"

"Captain Janeway’s injuries are not life threatening, but I will need a moment to complete my scans," he replied abruptly. Chakotay left him to his work, and gently probed B'Elanna for answers.

"We were searching that cave for tellerium, and then we decided to leave and rejoin the others," she explained slowly, as if trying to sort out in her own mind exactly what had happened. The exhaustion in her voice was matched by the glazed expression on her face. "The next thing I remember is waking up in a prison cell, being held underground by a race called the Kar’Zain. They questioned me at first, wanting to know why we were on their planet, but they wouldn't believe me when I told them the truth. They left me alone after that. It felt like months... I didn't know where the Captain was. They separated us right from the beginning. Then, just a little while ago they brought her to my cell, unconscious, and then transported us back to the cave where we were detected by the ship. They never said a word. I don’t know why they chose to interrogate me first, and not the Captain.." she finished softly.

The doctor had drawn closer to the group around B'Elanna's bed and listened to the end of her story, then insisted that Torres not be questioned any further.

"She is severely dehydrated, and obviously exhausted. She must be allowed to recuperate."

"What about Kathryn?" B'Elanna would not be put off. "Is she okay?"

"You must rest, Lieutenant, you are in no condition--"

"Doctor, I need to know if she's all right!" Her words were anxious. B'Elanna shuddered when she remembered the sound of her repeated agonizing screams.

"Very well. I have completed my examination anyway. I regret to inform you that her injuries are most disturbing indeed," the Doctor said gravely as he addressed the officers. "She is suffering from much the same symptoms as Lieutenant Torres from sleep and nourishment deprivation, but that is not all."

"What is it, Doc?" asked Tom in a hushed voice.

"It appears she has been tortured, and quite brutally so. She has endured prolonged physical and psychological stress, it is no wonder she is still unconscious. I would describe the inflictions as purely barbaric in nature."

"My god," breathed Chakotay, repulsed by this revelation. Staring at Kathryn’s bruised and battered face, his blood boiled with anger at such cruelty. "Can you help her, Doctor?"

"With extensive regenerative therapy, rest and nourishment her physical injuries should be healed in a day or two. We will begin the necessary treatments immediately."

"May we speak to her, Doctor?" said Tuvok. "The Captain may know more about the Kar’zain which would be of use to us if we are to discover their underground location."

"4cc's of cordrazine should bring her around, but I urge you not to interrogate her too strongly. It seems she has been through enough of that to last a life time."

"Of course, Doctor, we understand," Chakotay squeezed B'Elanna's arm then stood by the physician's side as he administered the hypospray. The younger woman gazed blankly at her captain like she had been expecting the worst, but she still did not want to believe the doctor's words.

After the injection, Janeway was motionless for a few moments, but then slowly regained consciousness. She was aware of a bright light above her that hurt her eyes when she tried to open them, but after she blinked a few times she began to focus on where she was. She moved her hands and feet and could feel that the painful restraints had finally been taken off. Something was different. Looking to her right she saw the faces of the Doctor, Chakotay, and Kes standing over her. It took only a second for her to recognize them and a shock of fear flew through her like a lightning bolt. Janeway emitted a low scream in protest and quickly turned to the other side of the bed where Tuvok and Paris were waiting for her. Her eyes were wide with sheer terror as she scrambled to get away from them, leaping suddenly over the head of the biobed in a blink of the eye and snatching a laser scalpel from an instrument tray there. Janeway held the scalpel in front of herself like a weapon, lunging threateningly at the others when they tried to approach. They were holding up their hands defensively, but she would not let herself be fooled.

Janeway glanced around wildly and saw the sanctuary of the Doctor's office, so she slowly backed into it, never once taking her eyes off her captors.

Chakotay was shocked at Kathryn’s savage behavior, and with imploring eyes beseeched the doctor to do something. She had backed herself into a tight corner of the office, grunting like some kind of animal, warning them to stay away. The officers were taken aback by her actions and kept a safe distance so as not to alarm her further. She was extremely agitated and obviously afraid for her life-- it was like she didn't know where she was or who they were. As a hologram, the doctor could not be harmed by Janeway’s makeshift weapon, so he approached the distraught woman slowly and carefully. Janeway yelled loudly in fear, and tried to press herself further into the corner to protect herself. Tears were streaming down her face, and she clamped her hands firmly on either side of her head as if trying to block them out.

B'Elanna forced her way through the tight group that stood in the doorway to the office and snapped at the doctor to stay back. Shoving past him, B'Elanna cautiously approached Janeway where she was crouched on the floor.

"Captain? It's okay, it's me, B'Elanna," she said very gently. Janeway was shaking uncontrollably, her eyes tightly shut. B'Elanna repeatedly called her name as she slowly squatted down next to her, reaching out a tentative hand. "Kathryn, I'm not going to hurt you. Look at me, Kathryn. It's B’Elanna."

Kathryn flinched at her touch and made as if to attack her, but then she saw who it was. Her scream died on her lips as somewhere in the back of her mind she remembered who she was-- her friend. Her eyes were clouded with confusion as B’Elanna carefully pried the laser scalpel from her iron-like grasp, but she did not fight her. B’Elanna’s dark eyes locked with her own and Kathryn knew she could trust her, that she would be safe. Her face crumpled in misery and pain as she stared at her, and a small sob escaped her swollen lips. Before she could break down completely, B'Elanna threw her arms around her and held her tightly, cradling her head that was buried in her chest as she hid from the others. Kathryn’s arms encircled B’Elanna’s fiercely, her body racked with sobs. She rocked her tenderly in an embrace, soothing her patiently. The officers watched the huddled figures in a startled silence, and Chakotay could not help it as her eyes filled with tears. _The pain she must have went through_ , he thought. _I’m here Kathryn, I can help you now._

"What have they done to her, B'Elanna?" he whispered almost inaudibly. B'Elanna continued to hold Kathryn protectively as she turned her face towards the others.

"I think I know why she reacted that way to all of you," she answered softly to shield the reply from Janeway’s ears. "The Kar’Zain who questioned me said they wanted their prisoners to feel "comfortable" around them, so they assumed the forms of those closest to us by accessing our memory engrams. The aliens that tortured the Captain no doubt looked and sounded like all of you. It's no wonder she's afraid, God only knows what they did to her."

Kathryn was quiet in her arms now but she would not let go. B'Elanna stroked her auburn hair and murmured to her that she was safe now, and that she would take care of him.

“We can't let them get away with this," stated Chakotay in a determined voice. “B'Elanna, do you know where you were taken from and how?"

"No, my guess is they have some kind of superior transporter technology and shielding device that allows them to go undetected by our sensors."

"Nevertheless, we have a better idea what to look for now. Tuvok, we'll need to reconfigure the sensors to detect even the remotest trace of an energy signature on the planet. We'll start with the cave you and I explored and go from there."

"NO!" screeched Kathryn, unexpectedly wrenching herself from B'Elanna. "Don't go back there! Can’t go back there!!"

Chakotay knelt down in front of Kathryn but she hastily recoiled from him and tried to conceal herself behind B'Elanna like a child hiding in her mother's skirts.

"We can't allow them to do this to you, Kathryn. This kind of cruelty cannot go unpunished," he soothed, his expression pained.

"You don't understand," she stammered maniacally. "They have weapons... all over the planet they have hidden weapons!"

Chakotay glanced at Tuvok, his unreadable facial features were no help to him at all. He didn't know what to do, how could Voyager just continue home without bringing the Kar’Zain to justice. Kathryn had stopped yelling, but was still very anxious.

"We have to leave! They'll kill us, they'll kill us all," she moaned despairingly. Kathryn began mumbling to herself, shaking her head. She appeared not to notice them any more. B'Elanna pulled Kathryn to her again and she obediently allowed the comfort. She met Chakotay’s worried gaze and sighed heavily.

"The Kar’Zain thought the away team was sent to find their underground bases, they said they have been defending their planet from invaders for centuries. They wouldn't believe me when I told them why we were there, which is why they tortured the Captain. In their eyes, they were just ensuring there was no plan to destroy their civilization. The Kar’Zain wanted answers that weren't there, and when they realized that they let us go," B'Elanna rested her cheek tiredly on the top of Kathryn’s head. "Believe me, Chakotay, I'd like nothing better than to exact revenge for what they've done, but what recourse do we have?"

"We still don't even know where to look for them either," said Tom from behind him.

"I don't think we will ever find them," replied B'Elanna. "They have spent hundreds of years making sure they can't be detected."

Chakotay did not want to give in, but the thought of Kathryn’s tortured mind and body softened his resolve. Their efforts would be better served helping her recover rather than searching out the hidden perpetrators. It was a difficult decision, but Chakotay had to make it.

"All right," he sighed after a long pause. Out of habit, he rubbed his ear between his fingers. "I don't like this, but you're right. We'll resume our course for the Alpha Quadrant." Chakotay touched Kathryn’s arm but she gasped like he had been burned. "It's okay, Kathryn, we're going home now."

The battered woman would not meet his eyes but she nodded almost imperceptibly at the news, not once loosening her grasp on B'Elanna. Chakotay stood up and ushered the others out, and contacted Harry on the bridge and ordered him to break orbit immediately. He glanced into the office again at Kathryn and B'Elanna, and worriedly talked to the doctor.

"Do what you can to help her."

"I'll do my best with her physical injuries, but I believe the psychological trauma she suffered is much more serious."

"I may not know everything about the human psyche, but I will do what I can to help Captain Janeway," said Kes, visibly upset by her predicament.

"I just wish we could do something for her," Chakotay sighed in frustration. He wanted to say _I_ , but thought better of it.

"It would appear that Lt. Torres is the key here, she is the only one the Captain will trust at this point," added Tuvok helpfully, worried for his captain and his old friend. Though he would not admit that, he is Vulcan after all.

"That's asking an awful lot of B'Elanna," replied the Commander. "She's not trained for this sort of thing."

"No, but she was the first one Captain Janeway saw after they finished torturing her," ventured Tom, anxious for his captain. "I'm sure B’Elanna will do whatever she can to get her through this."

"Well, I will be keeping them both here for observation once I have healed the Captain’s physical injuries," the Doctor said. "But might I suggest that we limit access to sickbay to emergencies only to prevent any further stress on her."

"Agreed. In the meantime, I’ll be taking over the Captain’s duties for now. Let us know if you make any progress. We'll be on the bridge," Chakotay replied. Everyone filed out of the room except Kes and the doctor. B'Elanna appeared at the doorway to his office, clutching Kathryn to her side.

"I think we should get her back to bed, Doctor, she's exhausted."

"And so are you, Lieutenant, you must rest now."

"I'll rest when Kathryn does," said B'Elanna, helping her onto the biobed. Janeway tried to fight half-heartedly when the doctor came near him, but the EMH was faster and pressed the hypospray into her neck before she could get worked up again.

"This will help her sleep," the doctor explained. B'Elanna nodded gratefully, and took Kathryn’s hand. The hypo had made her drowsy straight away, and with a muffled voice she called her name.

"Lanna?"

"I'm right here, Kathryn," she replied, squeezing her hand. 

"Don't leave me," she whispered imploringly, trying to stay awake.

"I promise I won't go anywhere," her eyes glistened. She could feel the events of the past weeks start to overwhelm her as she watched her captain and her friend lie helplessly on the biobed. "I'll be here when you wake up. But you have to sleep now, okay?"

Janeway nodded slightly and then slipped into unconsciousness. B'Elanna finally allowed her tears to fall as she laid her head next to the other woman, refusing to take her eyes off her.

She was Kathryn’s protector now, so long as Kathryn wanted her to be.


	3. Chapter 3

Captain Kathryn Janeway writhed in anguish on the biobed, her brow drenched with sweat as the nightmare took hold. She was strapped down, the harsh metal constraints buried deep in her flesh, over-head piercing white lights bore into her skull.

They had surrounded her once more: Chakotay, Paris, the Doctor, Kes... their wicked eyes shining with delight as she begged for mercy. The burning pain was intense and she could feel it throughout her entire body. She had never experienced anything like this before, had never imagined such agony. They were yelling at her again, repeating question after question as the interrogation continued. Janeway tried to explain but they would not listen. Her body convulsed as the searing pain was back again. She opened her mouth to scream but no sound came out. Then she heard whispering at her ear, and it was the voice of Chakotay.

"We can make this stop, you know. All you have to do is tell us where the attack will come and when, and we will let you and your friend go," his tone was friendly.

"I told you, there is no attack," Janeway said breathlessly.

Chakotay tutted and shook his head in disappointment. "If you keep lying to us we will have to keep hurting you... Or maybe your friend..."

"Leave her alone!" cried Janeway, alert. "She can't tell you anything either, don't you touch her!"

"Maybe she will be more cooperative with us, once we introduce her to our methods." Tom snickered a distance away.

"NO!!" yelled Janeway, and woke with a panicked start. She was panting heavily as she sat up in the darkened, empty sickbay, her mind still clouded with fear.

B'Elanna jumped up from the next bed and was instantly by her side.

"Kathryn? Are you all right?" her voice was full of concern despite the fact that she had just been fast asleep. Kathryn reached furtively for her and gripped the young woman’s face in her hands, studying her intently to make sure she was unharmed.

"Did they hurt you?" she asked apprehensively, with eyes shining. B'Elanna covered her hands with her own and tried to smile reassuringly.

"I'm fine, Kathryn. They didn't lay a hand on me. You're the one they hurt," she choked on her words when Kathryn’s face flashed with relief, knowing that she was okay. How could she be so concerned for her well being after everything she had been through herself? B'Elanna found it hard to believe that anyone could be that selfless. "You were just having a dream, Kathryn, you're safe now. We are back on Voyager, and we're going home."

Janeway nodded limply, her energy drained. B'Elanna helped her lie back down on the biobed, but she did not want to let go of her hand.

"Try and go back to sleep now, I'll stay right here," she soothed, running her fingers through thick auburn hair. Kathryn closed her eyes for a few seconds, but then quickly opened them again to make sure she was still by her side.

B'Elanna smiled at her and continued stroking her head gently. She remembered her father doing the very same thing for her when she was young and having trouble going to sleep. He would stroke her hair and sing to her in a beautiful, rich voice that would lull her into oblivion. He'd sing traditional songs from his old home on Earth that spoke of small, brave children and the parents who loved them. This was her favorite memory of her father, and one that she cherished. She began to hum the old tune to herself now, trying to remember the words he had sung so long ago. B'Elanna's voice was low and a little cracked as she started singing, it had been so long since she had sung anything. But after a minute or so when she recalled the familiar music, she sang softly and earnestly as she smoothed Kathryn’s brow. She breathed slowly and evenly under her touch, her face serene and peaceful for the first time since their return.

B'Elanna finished her song and brought the older woman’s hand up to her lips, kissing her bruised knuckles gently. Then she laid the hand back down under the blanket, and settled onto the uncomfortable chair as promised. She wasn't going anywhere.

* * *

 

Commander Chakotay finished reading the morning reports and left the captain’s ready room in search of B'Elanna. The computer told him that she was in the mess hall, so that was where he was headed. It was late in the morning now so the breakfast crowd was long gone, and even Neelix was off in another part of the ship, no doubt attending to his role as morale officer somewhere. B'Elanna was sitting alone in one of the chairs facing the stars streaking by outside, cradling a bowl of soup. She was obviously deep in thought and Chakotay was reluctant to interrupt the young woman, but then B'Elanna glanced up and saw him there.

"Chakotay," she stated simply.

"I'm not disturbing you, am I?"

"Not at all, please..." B'Elanna motioned to the chair next to hers, putting the untouched soup on the table. "I was just watching the stars."

Chakotay smiled to himself as she followed B'Elanna's line of vision. "I always thought it was the greatest thing about space travel. When I was a young boy, I used to spend hours lying underneath the stars. I found I could always forget my problems if I concentrated on them long enough. It was always so peaceful, and I always had the best moments with my spirit guide after." Chakotay’s whimsical tone changed to one of concern when he looked carefully at the chief engineer. "I was wondering how you were this morning, B'Elanna."

"Oh, I'm fine," she nodded despondently, but there was obviously something more. "Kathryn had a bad night, though. The doctor had to sedate her again this morning."

"So I heard. The doctor called me and told me the news... It must be hard on you, to have to watch your captain go through that," Chakotay ventured, unsure how Torres would respond to such a personal observation. “I could take over for you, if you need some time for yourself. I’m very good at taking care of people you know,” he smirked. The younger woman snorted softly, an attempt at a laugh.

"There's no reason to be concerned for me, Chakotay. And I like taking care of Kathryn. I feel very protective of her now.. And I don’t think she would appreciate it if I just threw her to someone else. I’ll be okay-" He cut her off.

"I know, but that doesn't mean you haven't been affected by what they did to Kathryn. You might be feeling guilty perhaps, because they did just pick on her."

B'Elanna shook her head slowly, her eyes glazed. "That's not why I feel guilty," she murmured. "They used me to provoke her. They threatened to hurt me if she didn't tell them what they wanted to know. That whole time, that month and a half of agonizing torture... all that time Kathryn was worried about ME."

Chakotay laid a hand on B'Elanna's arm, giving her the support she needed. A single tear fell unnoticed down the half-Klingon's face as she stared blankly ahead. After a few seconds she sniffed and tried to shake herself out of it, embarrassed.

"I just don't know how to help her now, that's all," she shrugged. "She needs me, and I don't know how to be there for her."

"Yes you do, B'Elanna," Chakotay replied firmly. "You have held a special place in her heart from the very beginning."

"Have I?" she laughed silently. "You know, when she destroyed that array, I wanted to kill her. Make her pay for stranding us to this god-forsaken quadrant. I was so angry with just about everyone, and I never thought I'd trust anyone in a Starfleet uniform again. But she took a chance on me, and right from the start she was so open and honest-- wasn't afraid either when I gave in to my Klingon side and lost my temper. I hadn't met many people like that. She was someone I knew I could trust, and I knew I could depend on her the first time I talked to her. We’ve become close over this past year. I don't know what I would've done without our friendship... or what I'll do if something happens to her now.. I don't want to lose her, Chakotay."

B'Elanna's voice had grown so quiet now, as she tried hard not to cry. The thought was shameful to her-- no self-respecting Klingon acted like this. But it was getting more difficult to listen to that side of herself when Kathryn lay there in sickbay, her mind perhaps irrevocably altered.

"You won't lose her, B'Elanna. It may take some time, but I have faith that she will get through this. After all, she has you to help her, and you are the strongest person I know," Chakotay patted her arm, unsure whether B'Elanna would accept a hug.

"Thank you," she whispered. "That means a lot coming from you, Chakotay."

Chakotay smiled as B'Elanna stood to leave. "Well, I'd better get back to sickbay. I promised to be there when Kathryn wakes up."

"B'Elanna?" Chakotay’s voice stopped her at the door. "You to know that my door is always open if you need someone to talk to."

"I know," replied B'Elanna gratefully. She paused a moment, and smiled. "And I may take you up on that offer soon."

"I’ll be waiting," Chakotay smiled back, as B'Elanna hastily left sickbay.

Kathryn and Chakotay had become close… very close, when they had been stranded on New Earth. But that had changed when Voyager returned. Their connection had been broken in an unceremonious, perhaps even brutual, way. He couldn’t blame the crew for coming back for them, he was glad they did. Given the choice, neither he nor Kathryn wanted to spend the rest of their lives in insolation. Chakotay had all but admitted he’d had feelings for her long before they had been stranded together. But she couldn’t say the same, and he knew that. A few days after their return to Voyager, Kathryn had told him in the ready room that he was a wonderful person, but he didn’t touch her soul… and that was what Kathryn Janeway was searching for. A soulmate. She didn’t know if it would be a member of her crew, or an alien being they met on the way back to the Alpha Quadrant. It might never happen, she had said. But Kathryn Janeway decided that she would not settle for anything less. And Chakotay had accepted it, and yet, like anyone in love, he still had hope. Maybe now he can finally accept that Kathryn would never love him, though he knew he would never stop loving her. Heartbroken, he would have to finally move on.


	4. Chapter 4

After several days of regenerative therapy, the doctor finally allowed Janeway to leave sickbay. He had done all he could for the captain anyway, and she was extremely eager to get away from the confines of the infirmary and the hauntingly familiar medical equipment that prompted terrifying memories to resurface. Janeway had been in seclusion since her return, barely able to contend with the doctor and Kes, let alone any of the other senior officers. The only person she could feel at all comfortable with was B'Elanna, and she depended on her protective presence and support.

Janeway pulled on her familiar black and red uniform in preparation for her release, after discarding the blue medical robe she had been forced to wear for days.

She glanced expectantly at the sickbay doors, waiting for B'Elanna to arrive. She had promised she would be here, but she couldn't fight the anxious feeling in her stomach when she realized she the other woman late. Kathryn timidly hovered around her biobed, trying to sort out her feelings. Though she didn’t feel like it, she was the Captain and she was supposed to act like it. Captains are supposed to be able to walk to their ship alone without feeling scared or afraid. So engrossed in her own thoughts she did not hear the doctor approach him.

"Captain?" the EMH said politely. Kathryn jumped, thoroughly startled, and cautiously backed away from the doctor.

"What?"

"Is there some reason you are still here? I thought you couldn't wait to return to your own quarters," the Doctor was trying to be friendly.

"Ah, no, I was just leaving," she stammered, edging nervously away.

"If there is anything I can do for you, please do not hesitate to contact me."

"Of course, Doctor," Kathryn said as she slipped quickly through the doors and found herself alone in the large, looming corridors of the ship. She couldn't explain the agitation she was feeling or why she was so frightened. She could feel herself being swallowed up by the swirling emotions as she raced towards the turbolift.

Instinctively she called for deck three, sweating profusely. She pressed herself against the back of the lift as it quietly hummed on its way. The walls felt like they were closing in on as she began to have trouble breathing. She moaned bitterly to herself, cursing the panicked state she was now in. The turbolift doors opened with a rush and Janeway, in her haste to exit the claustrophobia-inducing space, almost flew straight into a couple of crewmen as they stepped into the lift. She swallowed a yelp and flung herself out of their way, ignoring their confused stares as she ran towards her quarters.

She sped down the corridor but she couldn't find her quarters. All the doors looked exactly the same, and her mind was so mixed up she couldn't remember where hers was. Kathryn stumbled on blindly, gasping for breath as tears streamed down her face, until finally she saw a door with a small name plate reading, "Janeway, Kathryn." She slammed her hand on the release button and almost fell into her quarters, body shaking with relief. She was all right, she had made it.

Kathryn collapsed onto the floor, her cheek pressed heavily on the gray carpet as she tried to control her breathing and calm herself down. She couldn't handle this much longer. What was wrong with her? What good was she to her ship and crew if she couldn't even make it from sickbay to her own quarters, by herself, without having a massive panic attack?

Kathryn pressed her clenched fist hard against her temple and wished she could physically tear out the memories of what had happened on Kar’zain.

They were slowly destroying her life.

* * *

 

B'Elanna Torres was helping Lt. Carey realign the navigational matrix when she realized what time it was.

"Damn," she muttered to herself. Kathryn was due to leave sickbay and she had said she would be there. B'Elanna sighed tiredly and left the work for Carey to finish, noting his annoyed frown at the chief's repeated absences from engineering the last couple of days. B'Elanna was trying to juggle her work and looking out for Kathryn and it was proving to be a lot more difficult than she anticipated. It was not that she resented Kathryn’s dependency at all, but she wasn't used to someone needing her all the time. This was definitely a new experience for her. And she had a feeling it was a new experience for the Captain too. B’Elanna knew the Captain didn’t need to rely on anyone- she could take care of herself.. But what about Kathryn?

"Computer, locate Captain Janeway," she said as she rolled her sleeves back down on her way out of the engine room.

"Captain Janeway is in her quarters."

"Damn," she cursed again, she was too late. B'Elanna made her way to the Captain’s quarters and pressed the door chime. When there was no response to her second attempt, she punched in the security override code and stepped inside the darkened quarters. B'Elanna squinted in the somber light but she couldn't see Kathryn anywhere.

"Lights," she ordered, glancing around the room. "Captain, are you in here?"

A quick movement in the far corner under the work desk caught her eye. B'Elanna crouched down and saw Kathryn huddled there, shielding her eyes against the bright lights.

"Kathryn, are you okay?" she quickly moved to here side. Janeway pulled her legs tightly to her chest and ignored the woman, her hand still covering most of her face.

"Computer, decrease illumination 50%," snapped B'Elanna. She gasped in surprise when she jerked away from her touch. "Kathryn?"

"Where were you?" she finally asked, her voice low and accusing. "I waited for you and you didn't come."

B'Elanna gulped guiltily, she hadn't realized her tardiness would upset her so much. Kathryn hadn't been this withdrawn since they were first rescued from the planet-- she had steadily gotten more relaxed over the last two days. But here she was now, scrunched up in the fetal position, rocking herself unconsciously.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn, I was held up in Engineering," she explained, swallowing back tears. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. Will you come out from there now?"

Janeway ignored her again, her eyes fixed on the floor. She was angry with her for making her go through this transition alone, but more than that she was angry with herself for needing her so much. She was supposed to be the fearless, dauntless Captain Janeway. She didn’t need someone to look after her. Or so she thought..

B'Elanna gave up after a long pause, and she crawled under the desk too. They sat there in the same protective position, side by side, in silence. Eventually Kathryn glanced at her out of the corner of her eye.

"It's okay," she said quietly. B'Elanna smiled to herself and turned to face the blue eyes.

"I didn't mean to be late."

"I know," she frowned slightly. "I'm sorry you've had to put up with me.. I didn't want to make you go through this. I can take care of myself. "

B'Elanna grasped her friend’s hand and forced her to look at her. "Hey, don't you ever apologize to me for that," she said, her voice on the verge of cracking as she tried to swallow the painful lump in her throat. "I know you can take care of yourself, but I want to help and take care of you.” She whispered, “You don't ever have to say you're sorry."

"But I am," Kathryn replied in a small voice, her eyes full of tears. "You have your own problems to deal with. It's not fair on you."

"I'll tell you what's not fair, Kathryn-- what those bastards did to you is not fair," B'Elanna spat angrily. "What they put you through is NOT FAIR."

"I'm trying..." she gave a small smile as the first tears trickled down her face. "I'm trying so hard to be strong and get over this, but I just can't forget..."

"I know," nodded B'Elanna, her own cheeks moist. "But you don't have to do it alone, I'll do anything I can to help. I want to Kathryn, just let me help.. let me in…"

Kathryn stared down at their intertwined fingers and swallowed with difficulty. "You already have, B'Elanna, more than you know," she whispered. "I would have died without you."

B'Elanna didn't want to hear this, but Kathryn’s imploring eyes forced her to believe it. She wiped her face hastily and looked away, embarrassed. She could feel Kathryn still watching her.

"Kathryn, I'd do anything for you," B'Elanna's words were hushed, and her heart ached painfully in her chest. "I never want you to forget that."

She hesitated for a moment. "I won't," she promised, her eye shining. "As long as you know that I would give my life for yours."

"You already have," B’Elanna tried to smile as fresh tears escaped her red, swollen eyes. "You already have."

B'Elanna carefully put her arms around Kathryn’s shoulders and hugged her, taking comfort in her strong embrace. Kathryn stroked the back of her head with one hand, her gentle fingers caressing dark brown silky hair. B'Elanna buried her face in Kathryn’s neck, remembering the feel of her warmth and the reassuring beat of her pulse.

They sat in each other's arms under Janeway’s desk for a long time, their calm, deep breaths the only sound in the dimly lit quarters. 

Outside, the stars and planets continued to streak by as the U.S.S. Voyager sped further away from the Kar’zain homeworld, heading towards the Alpha Quadrant. Heading towards home.

* * *

B'Elanna shifted carefully on the bed so as not to disturb Kathryn who was lying asleep in her arms. She glanced over her shoulder at the chronometer and saw that it was still only the middle of the night. She couldn't have slept for too long. She lay her head contentedly on the pillow and watched over Kathryn. They had talked for hours after crawling out from their cubbyhole under her desk and eventually exhaustion had forced them to call it a night. B'Elanna suspected that she didn't want to be left alone her first night back in her own quarters, but, she admitted to herself, the reason she had stayed was that she needed to be with someone too. The thought of her cold, empty quarters was daunting enough, so she had gratefully agreed to share Kathryn’s bed when she tentatively suggested it.

She watched her sleeping now, her soft pale face upturned innocently, a slight crease on her cheek from the edge of her combadge. B'Elanna gently removed it so she would be more comfortable, freezing mid-action and holding her breath when she suddenly moved slightly in her sleep. Kathryn sighed quietly and settled back on her pillow with her arm draped lightly on B’Elanna’s waist, never once opening her eyes. B'Elanna smiled to herself, propping her head up with one arm so she could get a good look at her face. There was no sign of any nightmare on her delicate features tonight. Kathryn slept peacefully, her breathing was deep and relaxed. B'Elanna reached out to push the auburn hair from her forehead, barely touching the skin so as not to disturb her rest. Janeway still did not wake however, so she grew bolder. B'Elanna ran a gentle finger down the smooth cheek with wonder, as she thought about how much Kathryn meant to her.

Though rocky their first year in the Delta Quadrant, B’Elanna’s relationship with Kathryn hadn’t turned out quite like she expected. One unexpected game of velocity turned into a weekly game, which turned into a monthly ritual. They found they enjoyed each others company after a few months, and decided to try out other holoprograms. Kathryn had turned out to be one of her best friends out here in the Delta Quadrant, though it struck her that they made an unlikely pair. Kathryn was everything a good Starfleet officer should be, sweet and loved by all- the poster child of Starfleet. B'Elanna was a rebellious enemy of the Federation who had never fit in at the Academy, or gotten along with any of her classmates. And yet somehow they had forged a strong friendship-- the most important of her life, she suspected. Plus, B’Elanna respected that she needed to be the captain first, and never used their friendship against the captain or for personal gain. She liked being with Kathryn, and was grateful the captain didn’t put a stop to it. Although their personalities were contrasting, they somehow fit perfectly together.. like pieces of a puzzle.

B'Elanna had just begun to realize the importance and depth of their commitment to one another now that Kathryn needed her so much. To her surprise, she found she liked looking after her, and having the older woman depend on her to get through a very difficult time. And the feeling was mutual; B'Elanna knew she would be lost without Kathryn in her life, and that caused her to feel rather uneasy. She was used to being independent and beholden to no one, not tied down by attachments to other people. She had trained herself to be like this from a very early age when her father abandoned her and then her mother appeared indifferent to her presence. It was true she had other friends now, both Maquis and Starfleet, but somehow she could imagine life without them if that's what it came down to. 

Kathryn was another story all together. The past few days had cemented the bond between them, and B'Elanna knew things would never be the same again. She wondered if this meant she had found her soul mate, or if she was just getting pathetically nostalgic in her sleep deprived state. Whatever it was, she decided, it must be a good thing, because she had never felt so contented before in her life.

B'Elanna continued to gaze at Kathryn’s serene face, her fingers resting lightly against her own lips as she lay next to sleeping woman deep in thought. She smiled under her fingertips, her eyes twinkling, as she realized how silly all this would sound if someone could've read her thoughts just now. B'Elanna decided she desperately needed a good night's sleep if she was to be of any use in Engineering the next day, but before she lay her head back on the pillow she leaned in gently and kissed Kathryn’s forehead. She lingered there a moment, inhaling the fragrant smell of her auburn hair that tickled her nose, before she slowly withdrew.

B'Elanna stopped inches from Kathryn’s face when she saw that blue eyes were open and she had been caught in the compromising act of kissing her. A blush stole across her cheeks as she opened her mouth to stammer an excuse, but then she changed her mind and just smiled ever so slightly. Kathryn’s face was serious as she reached out a cool hand and laid it on her cheek, feeling the exhilaratingly hot, flushed skin. Long, gentle fingers brushed down her face and then her neck, sending a thrilling sensation down her spine. B'Elanna was surprised at the tenderness of her touch, but Janeway’s eyes were exploring her face under a small frown. The expression reminded her of when Kathryn had been so concerned that the Kar’Zain hadn't hurt her. She was reassuring herself that B’Elanna was truly all right, she supposed, and allowed her to continue outlining her jawline and brow ridges with caressing fingers.

Intimacy hung tangibly in the air, and B'Elanna could almost taste the emotion that surged between them. Was this the same person she had just been thinking about only minutes ago? B'Elanna was confused but intrigued by the strange fluttering in her stomach every time Kathryn’s skin touched hers. She realized their socked feet were also touching at the other end of the bed, their lower limbs had somehow inter-locked without her knowledge. Deep, blue-grey eyes were fixed on her own but for some reason she could not tell what the Kathryn was feeling right at that moment. She couldn't even tell what she was thinking herself as fingertips lightly traced over her full lips. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Kathryn leaned towards the younger woman and kissed one eyebrow ever so gently, her touch achingly soft. B'Elanna's hand ran over the uniform jacket to her neck, while lips roamed painfully slowly over her ridged forehead and down the side of her face, where they stopped at the sensitive skin just below her left ear. B'Elanna couldn't help but moan softly as she felt a warm tongue and then the white sharpness of teeth as Kathryn gently nipped her there. The sensation was staggering and her fingers tightened on delicate shoulders, her whole body pressed tightly to hers.

Not a single word had passed between them, but their mutual desire was evident.

B'Elanna worried they were making a huge mistake considering what they had been through the past few days, and Kathryn’s fragile emotional state. However she showed no sign of timidity now as she nuzzled at B’Elanna’s neck, nimble fingers grasping her own. B'Elanna pulled away and forced her to look into her eyes so she could see if there was any uncertainty there. Instead, she was overwhelmed by an intense feeling of love that emanated from Kathryn. Her eyes were clear and bright, her face open to all the wondrous possibilities that awaited them.

B'Elanna was amazed she hadn't seen it before, then she realized she had never really contemplated any kind of romantic involvement with Kathryn because she was content with her friendship. But suddenly B’Elanna’s mind and body weren't content any more as her heart opened and let Kathryn inside. B'Elanna bent forward and kissed her properly on the lips, allowing her longing for this strong, remarkable woman to finally surface.

Kathryn felt B'Elanna's strong fingers run over her chest under her jacket, her touch firm but she could tell she was holding back in deference to her past ordeal. She spared no thought for those nightmarish images burned on her brain by the Kar’Zain, her mind was consumed only by B'Elanna. Kathryn wondered if she was being selfish in initiating something more between them, but B’Elanna definitely seemed like a willing participant. She did not doubt her motives, nor for a moment entertaining the idea that B’elanna just pitied her. The surety of their love was irrefutable and it exploded in a single burst of requited passion, obliterating any hopes of simple friendship between them.


	5. Chapter 5

One week after their imprisonment on the Kar’Zain homeworld, Janeway and B'Elanna entered the mess hall together, their arrival bringing a smile to the face of Tom Paris who was already sitting at one of the tables. He hadn't seen the Captain again since her return, knowing that his presence would probably upset her, but that did not mean Tom hadn't worried about her. All of the senior officers wanted to help Janeway any way they could, but realized the only person she needed for the moment was B'Elanna. The two of them had spent every day together over the past week, and the doctor was encouraged by the Captain’s progress.

If she felt up to it, the doctor decided to allow her to return to light duties, and Janeway readily agreed. She was tired of being cooped up in her quarters all day, and knew that being back on the bridge would keep her mind off any unwanted stray thoughts.

Paris wasn't sure if Janeway and B'Elanna would sit with him, and was surprised when they approached him. The two officers sat down at his table, cautiously eyeing the strange concoction that Neelix had earnestly presented them with. Tom smiled shyly, trying to think of something witty to break the ice.

"Captain," was all he came up with. "It's good to see you out and about."

"You too, Tom," Janeway replied sincerely, successfully blocking out the image of the alien Kar’Zain in Tom's form, whispering traitorous thoughts in her ear.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm getting there," smiled Janeway. "I'm going to be okay."

B'Elanna said nothing but she joined in her smile proudly. Kathryn had been brave and strong emotionally over the past week, and B'Elanna did not deny to herself that she had had some part in that, however small. They had gotten through this together.

"So, has B'Elanna been taking good care of you?" asked Tom innocently.

"The best, Lieutenant," Janeway grinned, glancing at the woman she loved with all her heart. Tom was oblivious to the meaningful look that passed between them, as he poked skeptically at the brown mass on his plate.

"Well, I think this calls for a celebration," he said, throwing down his napkin. "What's say we blow a whole week's replicator rations and have a proper meal? And maybe a little pool at Sandrine's?"

"You're on," said B'Elanna enthusiastically, hastily concealing the blush that had flashed across her face when Kathryn’s eyes had met hers. She wasn't ready for the Tom Paris's of this world to find out about them yet-- their relationship was too precious and new for that. "I take it you're buying, Paris?"

"Oh, of course, why not," he smirked ruefully. Typical B'Elanna. He didn't begrudge them though, and was happy to oblige. Just being here was enough for Tom, and he could barely express his relief at seeing the Captain and longtime friend doing so well. This was definitely worth a party.

* * *

B'Elanna Torres strode quickly out of the turbolift towards Chakotay's office, her light steps almost buoyant. She paused before the closed door and composed her face as best she could. She felt as if she had been wandering around for days with an inane grin, she was so happy. B'Elanna had endured numerous curious looks from the crewmembers in Engineering, and Joe Carey had almost worked up the courage to ask her what had prompted this welcomed change in her disposition. Almost, but not quite. In the end he decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, determined to enjoy her good humor while it lasted. B'Elanna smirked once more to herself and tugged at her uniform jacket before she pressed the door chime.

"Come in!" said Chakotay, looking up from his office monitor. "B'Elanna!"

"Here are those warp drive specifications you wanted," she stated energetically, handing over a data padd. "The modifications are now complete and we should have optimal efficiency by 1300 hours after I've run a level five diagnostic."

"I thought you said you wouldn't be finished until tomorrow," Chakotay accepted the padd, and glanced inquisitively at the chief engineer.

"We all put in double shifts to pull it off," replied B'Elanna proudly. "I want to strip down the plasma injectors next, I think we could get at least another 10% out of them after some fine tuning. Actually I should get started right away, so if that's all..."

"B'Elanna, slow down," smiled the commander. "Why don't you take a seat. Let's talk."

"All right," she replied warily, her eyebrows raised in curiosity. Chakotay continued to stare questioningly at her, but he remained silent. B'Elanna began to drum her fingers on the desk impatiently before he finally decided to speak.

"So, how are you, B'Elanna?"

"I'm great, everything's great," she said distractedly.

"I haven't seen you around much the past couple of weeks."

"Well, I've been busy, obviously. The Captain ordered all those warp engine analyses, and Kathr--" B'Elanna quickly bit her tongue and moved uncomfortably in her seat.

"What about Kathryn?" Chakotay prompted with mock innocence.

"You already know I've been helping her readjust after her experience on Kar’Zain. The Doctor thought it would be a good idea if I participated in her therapy."

"You've done a good job too," nodded Chakotay thoughtfully, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "I've never seen her quite so... adjusted before. She's lucky to have a friend like you."

"I guess," shrugged B'Elanna, glancing helplessly at the office door, eager to escape. Chakotay's eyes were still boring into her however, so she averted her gaze by looking around the room with feigned interest.

"Is that all it is?"

"What do you mean?" she stammered, her cheeks reddening.

The commander leaned forward and grinned conspiratorially. "You can stop pretending, B'Elanna... You're positively glowing!"

"What?!"

"I've known you for years, you can't hide anything from me," he teased.

After a moment a broad smile escaped B'Elanna's lips, her eyes shining joyfully.

Chakotay beamed back at her, his dimples punctuating his delight at her wordless admission.

"I should've known you'd guess eventually, Chakotay. We've been trying to keep it a secret but I guess I've ruined that now."

"Why keep it secret?"

"I suppose we were concerned how everyone would react-- you know there'll be a someone who’ll make a big fuss. We just don’t know how the crew will take the news...”

"I'm sure they’ll be as happy for you and Kathryn as I am," Chakotay placed his large brown hand on hers. "This is a good thing, B'Elanna."

"Yeah, it is," she grinned, trying to cover her mouth with her hand but her exuberance could not be hidden any longer. Chakotay had long been her friend and confidante and she felt right sharing this with him. "I don't know what's wrong with me. My mind's in a whirl most of the time, it's almost intoxicating."

"It sounds to me like you're in love."

"Maybe I am," she whispered after a while. "Who would've thought it? B'Elanna Torres in love!"

"I've always thought you had a lot to offer someone," Chakotay gave her hand a quick squeeze. "The Captain is a lucky woman," he said sincerely.

"Thanks."

Chakotay did not want to embarrass her anymore for the time being, so he released his grip and B'Elanna stood up reluctantly. She still had a lot of work to finish before Kathryn could join her in her quarters for dinner.

"I really should be getting back to Engineering."

"Very well, Lieutenant, you're dismissed... Oh, and Lieutenant?" B'Elanna stopped at the door and looked back at her old friend who was grinning cheekily at her. "I want you to know that your secret is safe with me, if that's what you want."

"Understood, Commander," she paused a moment longer, smiling shyly. "But maybe it doesn't have to be a secret anymore... Thanks for the talk."

"Any time," Chakotay chuckled softly to himself after B'Elanna swept out of the room, and sat down to review his reports once more.

* * *

 

"I suppose there's no reason why people shouldn't know now," mused Kathryn as B'Elanna lay in her arms that night, her quarters lit only by a collection of Rigelian spice candles.

"I can't believe everyone hasn't caught on yet, it's been nearly three weeks," she replied, running her hand absently over Kathryn’s stomach. "Carey suspects something though, I'm sure. He's not used to me being in such a good mood all of the time. I bet he didn't even know I had so many teeth!"

Kathryn rolled her gently onto her back, her eyes twinkling. "Are you saying I put you in a good mood?" she said facetiously.

"Don't you start being coy with me, Kathryn Janeway!" she grinned. "Do I have to remind you how you make me feel?"

"It couldn't hurt," she murmured, before lips were swiftly on her own.

After a few seconds B'Elanna relinquished her mouth for air and flipped Kathryn not-so-gently on her back. B’Elanna smiled with desire as she moved on top of her, her sleek body bathed in the sensual candlelight. B'Elanna kissed her more passionately now, as gentle hands began caressing her back. When the door chime rang out suddenly they both jumped, and froze where they were in a sudden panic. Kathryn glanced quickly at B’Elanna, and without a word jumped out of the bed, searching frantically for her clothes. B’Elanna was right behind her, reaching for her black pants and pulling them on with much haste.

"B'Elanna, you there?" came Tom Paris's voice from the other side of the door.

"Damn," muttered Kathryn and B'Elanna together as they fumbled with the awkward Starfleet uniforms.

"Come on, what are you doing in there?" Tom called impatiently. They were supposed to be playing pool tonight. He guessed B’Elanna had forgotten so Tom had come looking for her instead. What was taking so long?

"Just a minute, Tom," replied B'Elanna, praying that he didn't decide to use his security clearance to open the door himself. "Computer, lights!"

She ran her hand through her tussled hair and checked if Kathryn was dressed. There was a dull pounding on the door as Tom once again craved entrance, and with attempted casualness, B'Elanna called out, "Come in!"

"Finally," sighed Tom as the doors swished open. He halted a few steps inside the quarters and took in the scene before him. Kathryn and B'Elanna were sitting at her table where there sat the remnants of dinner, and they looked up at him with nonchalance. “Captain,” he said surprisingly.

"Hello Tom," said Kathryn calmly, but Tom knew something was up. The room had a particularly musky smell, the air slightly hazy with some kind of incense, he guessed. Janeway and B'Elanna glanced furtively at one another when he didn't answer immediately, but Tom was still trying to work out what was going on.

B'Elanna's face was flushed, and so was Janeway’s for that matter. But it was Janeway’s uniform that caught his eye; it lay undone to the middle of her chest revealing the gray shirt beneath, something Tom had NEVER seen before. When it came to her uniform jacket, Kathryn was always spotless, following Starfleet dress regulations to the letter. Tom looked back at B'Elanna now and he blushed when he realized what was happening here, or more importantly, what he had interrupted. He didn't have to see the rumpled bed covers to identify with this scenario.

"Um, I'm sorry," he stumbled, backing away with embarrassment. "I didn't mean to intrude."

A quick look passed between the captain and his friend before B'Elanna stood up cautiously. "It's okay, Tom."

"No, I should have realized..." he trailed off, still trying to comprehend that the two of them were involved with each other. REALLY involved... and Tom had had no idea. "I should go."

"Tom, wait, let us explain--" Kathryn jumped up too.

"No need to explain Captain. I get it," said Tom hastily. "Sorry to interrupt..."

With that Tom stalked out of the room. B'Elanna slumped back into her chair and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Well, that went well, didn't it?" said Kathryn ruefully, as she stared at the closed doors. “Thank God it wasn’t Harry,” she murmured to herself.


	6. Chapter 6

As it is want to do on a ship the size of Voyager, word spread quickly throughout the crew. Nothing boosted morale like a juicy piece of gossip, and, since it involved the captain, this was about as juicy as it came. Neelix had been hearing scanty details all day in the mess hall and finally decided to verify the truth of the gossip with Kes- the one person whose word he trusted implicitly. Luckily, there were no patients in sickbay when he poked his spotted head through the doors, so he rushed in eagerly. Kes's face lit up when she saw Neelix and his heartbeat quickened when she flashed a dazzling smile at him. He smothered any lingering desire he still felt for his former paramour, and turned his attention to the news at hand.

"Well, is it true?" he asked with solemn delight.

"What are you talking about, Neelix?" she grinned at his earnest tone.

"About Captain Janeway and Lieutenant Torres, of course! The crew is talking about nothing else."

"You shouldn't put too much stock in idle gossip, you know,” said Kes, but she threw him a knowing smirk.

"Kes!" he pleaded. "Tell me!"

The Ocampa's bright blue eyes twinkled bewitchingly as she leant forward to whisper in his rippled ear. Neelix giggled behind his hand as he listened to her knowledge of events, drawing the attention of the Doctor who emerged from his office with an intrigued frown on his face.

"Mr Neelix, are you in need of medical attention?" he asked testily, hating to be left out of anything, especially in his own sickbay.

"No, thank you, Doctor. I am just visiting with Kes," the Talaxian replied good-naturedly.

"Then might I suggest you do so elsewhere? Need I remind you that this is a sickbay, not Sandrine's."

"We were just discussing the blossoming of young love in our midst, Doctor," said Neelix, refusing to be admonished by the grumpy holodoc.

"He means the Captain and B'Elanna," murmured Kes, aside.

"Oh, is that all?" replied the Doctor with smug satisfaction. "I already knew about that."

"How?!"

"It would be quite elementary, my dear Mr. Neelix, if you were fortunate enough to be an experienced observer such as myself."

"Are you saying you already guessed about their relationship?" asked Kes in amazement. She knew how discreet Janeway and B'Elanna had been over the last few weeks, even she hadn't caught on.

"Of course, Kes, you underestimate me. I am not just a doctor. There are many factors to consider when utilizing said observation skills," the Doctor began strutting before his 'pupils', making the most of the captive audience. "The signs of a clandestine 'affaire d'amour' are most obvious to the keen onlooker; stolen glances between the couple in question, noted absences and discrepancies from their usual routines, the sudden rise of the body's temperature in the presence of the object of one's affection."

"Or it could be that you simply overheard Ensign Wildman and Megan Delaney discussing it when they were in here earlier today," countered Kes, giving Neelix a slight nudge with her arm.

"That would be another way," the Doctor acquiesced, suddenly deflated. "Well, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

Neelix and Kes shared a knowing smile as they watched him retreat into his office. The former rubbed his hands together with glee, now that he had found out what he wanted to know.

"I can just see the next big feature in 'A Briefing with Neelix'--'Starfleet and Maquis: A Love Story'!" he cooed. Kes turned quickly on him, her tone non-threatening, but her eyes deadly.

"Neelix, you can't! Captain Janeway and B'Elanna have been very careful about keeping this a secret, you can't go parading their relationship in front of the whole crew! You know how the Captain likes her privacy."

"They haven't been too careful, everyone knows by now! I'll just be filling in a few of the more exciting details," he shrugged innocently. "I wonder if the Captain and Lieutenant Torres are available for an interview..?"

"If I were you I'd stay clear of B'Elanna. If she finds out you're planning an expose, your life won't be worth living."

"I'm willing to take my chances in the name of free speech!" Neelix patted her arm reassuringly and scurried back to his kitchen where he could really start planning.

Kes shook her head sadly after him, ruing the moment when her incorrigible friend would be brought back to sickbay minus a limb or two, thanks to a disgruntled half-Klingon.  Some people would never learn.

* * *

 

"NO!" said B'Elanna emphatically as she picked up her lunch tray from the galley counter. Neelix sputtered with real surprise, unable to understand why she wouldn't discuss her private life with him.

"Won't you reconsider, Lieutenant? If you agree to appear on 'A Briefing With Neelix', you will be able to dispel these rumors in one fell swoop! You could tell the WHOLE story, right from the beginning..."

"I have absolutely no intention of telling you anything, Neelix," she replied, walking over to an empty booth. The Talaxian hovered agitatedly behind her clutching his chef's hat. "And you won't bring the subject up again if you value your health, not with me or the Captain. How do you think she would react to having her personal life broadcast for everyone to see?"

Neelix let his arms fall to his sides with disappointment. From the look in B'Elanna's eyes he knew she would never change her mind about this. And he certainly didn’t want to face Captain Janeway’s wrath. Now he would have to allow the doctor to fill in with his new presentation, 'Your Friend the Colon', that the EMH had been hankering to do for months. Neelix sighed pointedly at B'Elanna but it elicited no response, so he wandered back into the kitchen morosely.

B'Elanna smiled to herself as she watched him go, shaking her head at his audacity. To think that she'd actually sit there in front of the whole crew and openly discuss her personal life! Even Neelix went too far sometimes.

She was glad then when she saw that Tom had just walked into the messhall, and B'Elanna made sure she caught his eye before he could slink off and sit somewhere else. Tom seemed to hesitate slightly after seeing her, but it was too late to turn away. The last thing he wanted to do was have to talk to B'Elanna alone, unfortunately there was no way he could purposely ignore her now. She was smiling at him and seemed genuinely pleased to see him, but it was with a sense of dread that he approached her table carrying his so-called lunch.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked perfunctorily.

"Of course not," she beamed, relieved to see that Tom was at least speaking to her now. After catching Kathryn in her quarters three days ago, Tom had kept his distance from both of them, for reasons they could only hazard to guess. "How have you been, Tom?"

"Oh, you know me. Can't complain."

"Good..." B'Elanna nodded, the conversation already stilted. She noticed that Neelix was peering intently at them from the counter where he was stirring a large pot of hair pasta, straining to hear what they were saying, even from that distance.

"It looks like we're throwing Neelix off the scent," she grinned, trying to lighten the mood. "Thanks for sitting with me."

"What do you mean?" said Tom, glancing over his shoulder.

"Neelix wanted to interview me on his stupid program to talk about... you know, Kathryn and me."

"Only Neelix would come up with a scheme like that," Tom snorted, something of his old self returning. He looked at B'Elanna carefully a moment, then ventured, "So, how are things between the two of you?"

"They're good, Tom," she replied earnestly, knowing how uncomfortable this made him. To suddenly find out that the woman he had been pining for was suddenly involved in a relationship with the Captain must be a little disconcerting- she empathized. Especially when she had not had told him what was happening and he had found out the way he did... B'Elanna still cringed at the remembrance. Maybe Tom was willing to talk about it now.

"I'm sorry about what happened in my quarters that night," she said in a low voice, aware of the other diners nearby. "You weren't supposed to find out like that."

"I can think of better ways, I'll admit. I guess I was more surprised than I realized."

"Is it really so shocking though? I really don't understand what all the fuss is about. We're not the only two people on this ship having a relationship."

"No, but you're the only two senior officers involved with each other. And one of them happens to be the Captain..." Tom pointed out, silently adding *that we know of*.

"I honestly don't see what difference that makes," B'Elanna shrugged.

"Maybe it's the timing then, considering what the Captain has just been through. Think about how it looks to the rest of the crew. One day she is practically tortured to death and the next the two of you are all over each other... Maybe you've been rushing things a little. She needs to get over it herself."

"And that's your professional opinion, is it, Paris?"

"It's my opinion as the Captain’s longtime friend... and yours."

"No one knows what she went through better than me, Tom," B'Elanna lowered her fork, her appetite suddenly nonexistent. "And we've dealt with it together."

"Dealt with it? That's rather a simplistic view, don't you think? I was there in sickbay, B'Elanna, I saw what they did to the her. I don't think a person is supposed to recover that easily from such a horrific ordeal. I don't know if you can just 'deal with it' like that."

“So we're supposed to carry this around with us forever? What kind of life is that?"

"It's Janeway’s life, B'Elanna, not yours. That is exactly my point. It's Janeway who has to get over this, not you!" Tom spoke softly but firmly, his piercing blue eyes burning with purpose. "Don't you see? If she becomes too dependent on you, she'll never be able to think for herself again. In her personal life, she'll always ask your opinion first, let you make the decisions. What kind of life is THAT?"

B'Elanna was stunned silent by this impassioned speech, hearing these thoughts out loud for the first time. Until now they had only been dark whispers inside her own mind. She could recognize the truth in Tom's words, though they were painful to hear. B'Elanna had noticed the way Kathryn allowed her to dominate their relationship in private, submitting to her wishes and her choices outside of duty. At first she thought that was just the way she was with someone she was involved with; but now she was beginning to realize maybe this wasn't the same Kathryn she had been friends with for so long. Maybe she hadn't completely gotten over the episode on Kar’Zain like she preferred to believe.

Tom could see the conflict and torment in her eyes as she mulled over his words. He had waited to say this to her for a while, but hadn't thought she would be this receptive. It proved to him that maybe she did have genuine doubts as he did, which confirmed Tom's mission. He wouldn't chicken out now.

"Imagine what it must have been like for her, B'Elanna-- she came back to Voyager thinking we were her enemy, that we were all out to hurt her. The only one she could trust and feel safe with was you. You were her lifeboat and she clung to you with all her strength. You were the only person on this entire ship that she wanted, the only person she needed. That must have been a very potent feeling for you... maybe even overwhelming. It's understandable you would feel obligated to look after her, she has always been your good friend. But you have to ask yourself, B'Elanna, is this the basis for a relationship? Kathryn thinks she's in love with you, it's only natural she would feel indebted to her protector. Just knowing you'll be there for her is the only way she can get up in the morning and face us all, having to deal with those torturous memories. But I worry about her, B'Elanna. I worry that she'll never really put to rest those events once and for all. I’ve known her all my life, and I want her to lead a normal life again, not be haunted by this forever."

B'Elanna hugged her arms around her chest, her eyes wide and moist. She was oblivious to everyone else in the room except the man opposite her. His words made her feel small and insignificant as she let herself believe that maybe he was right. Tom sensed her wavering thoughts, and went for the kill.

"And what about you, B'Elanna? Are you really in love with Kathryn, or is it just a sense of duty that binds you to her? I don't want to see you a week or a month or even a year from now suddenly realize that you're with a woman you feel only obligation to-- an obligation to take care of her, to mother her. There has to be more to it than that, for your sake as well as Kathryn’s. I think maybe this will end up just hurting you both, and I don't want to see that happen."

Tom tried to prove his sincerity by reaching out to hold her hand, but she only stared at him with sad, frightened eyes.

"I never wanted to hurt her, Tom, I love her," she whispered, her voice barely audible.

"Of course you love her, B'Elanna, all her friends do," he replied soothingly. "But the real question is are you IN love with here...? Maybe you should think about that, because you're not doing Kathryn any favors by carrying on with this if you're not totally sure. I know you would never hurt her intentionally, anymore than I'd hurt you-- but I think you'll see that in the end, I'm only telling you what you already know in your heart."

A voice inside her head told B'Elanna that he was wrong, wrong about everything.

Of course she was in love with Kathryn, of course they were doing the right thing... B'Elanna was torn between Tom's voice and her own. He had planted the seeds of insidious doubt in her mind and she could not relinquish the idea so swiftly. She didn't want to believe any of it, but she knew Tom wouldn't say these things unless he thought they were the truth. She had to at least consider his words before dismissing them, and it was quickly becoming obvious to her that she hadn't done much thinking at all over the past few weeks, she had simply followed her heart. She was so caught up with emotion she could not read the situation with the clarity of a mere observer like Tom. Right now she had to trust his honest appraisal of their relationship... and the picture was grim indeed. B'Elanna desperately needed to be alone with her thoughts, so she blindly rose from the table and walked away without another word to Tom.

He watched her go, and reveled in his own sanctimoniousness. He had done it! And it wasn't even that hard to accomplish. A feeling of righteousness and self-satisfaction warmed his heart, as he knew he had saved Janeway from a dreadful mistake. He knew this affair would only end in misery and heartbreak if it carried on much longer, and now things could go back to normal. _Just like the good old days_ , he reassured himself. _Mission accomplished_.


	7. Chapter 7

Kathryn Janeway waited impatiently on the bridge for the beta shift to come to relieve her.  Glancing at her monitor's chronometer for the third time in as many minutes, she saw that her relief, Ensign McKenna, was late. For once, Janeway decided she would leave if he wasn't here in the next five minutes, since the ensign's tardiness cost her precious time with B'Elanna.  Before many more agonizing minutes could follow, a breathless Ensign McKenna, rushed onto the bridge and apologized profusely to his Captain. Janeway frowned in response and got up from the captain’s chair, deciding not to berate the younger man just yet, because it would make her even more late for dinner. She exited swiftly to the turbolift and made the decision not to change before heading to B'Elanna's quarters.

Janeway strode down the corridors of Voyager and finally arrived at B’Elanna’s door, where she paused to smooth her hair and straighten her uniform before pressing the door chime. She waited a few moments but there was no response. Janeway once again sounded the chime, longer this time, and placed a frustrated hand on her hip. Usually B'Elanna had the door open the second she announced his arrival, pulling her eagerly into the room and into her waiting arms. Not so tonight, Janeway sighed, ringing for the third time. Not able to contain herself any longer, Janeway punched in her security override and stepped inside.

B'Elanna was sitting at her table poring over a vast collection of data padds and manuals, and though her back was to the door Kathryn could see she was engrossed in whatever Engineering task she was working on. Janeway smiled to herself and realized she should have expected to find her like this, considering all of the extra diagnostics that she herself had ordered on the ship's over-worked engines.

Kathryn walked up behind the chair and bent to kiss her neck lovingly to greet her, but B'Elanna remained staring fixedly at the padds in front of her. Kathryn was a little surprised at her unresponsiveness, but knew she was under a lot of pressure these days. She hoped B’Elanna would let her help relieve some of that pressure and stress tonight...

"I've come to take you away from all this," she whispered enticingly in her ear, wrapping her arms around the young muscled shoulders. B'Elanna froze for a split second then carefully shrugged her off.

"I've got a lot of work to do, Kathryn," she replied with difficulty, reaching for another batch of readouts. B'Elanna had been dreading the moment when Kathryn would arrive tonight, and now that she was here all she wanted was to have this over and done with as quickly and painlessly as possible. She had been planning what to say for hours, but now that Janeway was here she couldn't remember a word of it. Janeway sat down next to her, intent on making her stop work for the evening.

"You've been working all day," she coaxed, gently prying a padd from her tense grip. "It's time for Lieutenant Torres to put her feet up and relax. I will take care of dinner, and then I am at your disposal. Do with me what you will!" 

"Kathryn, I really have to finish this, it's important," B'Elanna couldn't look at her, couldn't face her enticingly adoring smile. Every loving word was like a knife in her heart, and she couldn't bear it. Kathryn took B’Elanna’s hand in her own and kissed her palm lightly, but B'Elanna hastily withdrew from her grasp and with fumbling fingers she gathered up a bundle of data padds. Having done this, she stood up from the table and moved away from her to the other side of the room, putting as much distance as possible between them. Kathryn watched her carefully and could see that something was wrong. It was like she couldn't stand to be near her.

"Maybe you're sick of staying in all of the time. We could go to the Holodeck instead, if you'd rather," she suggested tentatively, wanting only to please her.

"I don't want to go to the damn Holodeck, Kathryn!" she snapped angrily, tossing the electronic padds suddenly on the couch. Kathryn shrank back in surprise and couldn't understand why she was mad with her. She approached her fearlessly, but her eyes were worried.  

"B'Elanna? Have I done something wrong?" Her soft, concerned voice caused her chest to ache as tears stung her eyes.

"No, of course not, Kathryn," she sighed emotionally. "This really isn't the right time."

"Okay, maybe tomorrow night. You're tired, why don't you go to bed early?"

"I don't mean our dinner plans, Kathryn, I mean US," she tried to harden her expression; to do what she thought was the right thing by Kathryn. She had realized, thanks to Tom, that if they stayed together she would only cause the older woman pain, so it was better to end things now, tonight. This was the right thing, she reassured herself over and over again, this was the right thing to do.

Janeway took a couple of deep breaths and made sure she had heard her correctly. "What are you saying?"

"I think maybe it would be better if we didn't see each other anymore, not like this anyway," B'Elanna said haltingly, then stared intently at her feet.

"What brought this on?" Kathryn was utterly shocked at her words. When she left her bed early this morning there had been no sign she had any doubts about their relationship, in fact B’Elanna was the one who had insisted she come here straight after her shift ended.

"I've been thinking this over carefully, Kathryn, and I think we made a mistake rushing into things like we did. You weren't even back a week before we... Maybe it would be best if we just went back to being friends. Of course I'll always be here for you, but we just can't be together like that anymore."

B'Elanna threw her an awkward look, choosing not to acknowledge the pain and incomprehension written all over the captain’s face. Janeway shook her head slowly as she desperately sought the right words to say, to tell her that she loved her more than anything and couldn't just stop that because she said so. She grew angry at the unfairness of this, and turned on her, eyes blazing and her captain’s mask on.

"So, that's it, is it? I don't get a say in the matter?"

"There is nothing to say," she answered dully. "I'm not going to fight you on this. I've made my decision, and one day you'll thank me for it."

With that she brushed past her coldly and sat down once again at the table. Kathryn was left standing by herself near her window, having had everything stripped from her in one brief instant. She felt empty and confused, but B'Elanna wouldn't even discuss it with her. It felt just like the day she realized she would never see Mark again, the day she knew Justin was never coming home. She couldn't go through that pain again. Kathryn knew she had to get out of there right that second, so she marched mechanically out of the room in stunned disbelief, unable to utter a sound.

B'Elanna heard the doors swish shut and she was alone, and now the consequences of her actions hit her with crippling force. The helplessness swelled within her, and in one furious moment she picked up a stray data PADD and with an anguished moan she threw it hard against the wall, smashing it to bits. B'Elanna clamped her hands to her face and cried harder than she ever had in her entire life, but the tears were not enough to fill the void in her heart. She cried until she had no more tears, her body wracked with aching, dry sobs, and she felt nothing but complete mind numbing exhaustion.

Only then did she find some relief.


	8. Chapter 8

Tom pressed the door chime to B'Elanna's quarters on his way to the holo-resort, thinking he would casually stop by and persuade her to come too. The last few days she had spent all of her time in Engineering working grueling hours, and when she wasn't knee deep in engine modifications she was here in her quarters, all alone. She had even taken to eating her meals by herself in her room rather than face anyone in the mess hall. Tom knew B'Elanna wasn't exactly the most sociable person on the ship, but she had never behaved like this before. Deep down he suspected it was because she was embarrassed about the whole incident with the Captain, Tom had heard that the older woman had not taken their break up well. Tom believed she had done the correct thing, and wanted to make sure she knew she had his support. He heard a muffled voice allowing him to enter, and he stepped inside the dimly lit quarters.

"B'Elanna?" Tom called out lightly. Her cheerless room was still sparsely decorated, but he could see clothes and data PADDS scattered over the table and couch of the usually tidy quarters. B'Elanna herself was curled up in a chair by the large window, staring blankly at the dark expanse of space outside. When she did not answer him, Tom pulled up another chair opposite her and sat down.

"I just came by to see if you wanted to come down to the holodeck with me," he ventured, trying to catch a glimpse of her face that was hidden in the shadows.

B'Elanna was silent a moment, then she slowly leaned forward into the dull light, shaking her head wanly. "Thanks, Tom, but I'm happy right where I am."

Tom almost recoiled from her, so shocked was he at her appearance. Her usual warm brown face was pale and harrowed, the dark circles under her eyes lending her thin visage an almost skull-like quality. Her hair was lank and tied back haphazardly, her eyes glazed and empty. Tom had never seen her look so unwell, his immediate concern was getting her to sickbay.

"B'Elanna, are you feeling all right? You look terrible," the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

"No wonder you're such a ladies' man, Paris, with a silver-tongue like that," she replied darkly, retreating back into the shadows. "Thank you for your concern, but I'm fine."

"I didn't mean it like that.. I..." Tom stammered helplessly. "Do you need to go to sickbay?"

B'Elanna laughed half-heartedly to herself, and propped her head up with a tired hand. "Tom, I can say with all certainty that sickbay is the last place I need to be right now. I just want to be left alone."

"You've been alone for days. No one has caught hide nor hair of you except the others in Engineering. People will start to talk soon, B'Elanna." 

"And we can't have that, can we, Tom?" she retorted bitterly. "Not exactly the proper conduct for a senior officer, is it? Well, right now I don't give a damn what anybody thinks. I need to be by myself."

"Why?" Tom prodded relentlessly.

B'Elanna shook her head sadly, a grim smile on her dry, colorless lips. "What part of 'I want to be alone' do you not understand, Paris? Why do you always assume you have the answers, hmmm? Why don't you just mind your own business for once?"

"Because I'm your friend, B'Elanna, and if there's something wrong then I'll do what I can to help," he answered quietly, ignoring her accusing tone.

"There's nothing you can do for me, Tom, you've done quite enough already," muttered B'Elanna, resuming her vacant stare at the stars outside.

"Is it the Captain? Is that what's upsetting you?"

"Why?" she asked quickly, her eyes suddenly sharp and alert. "Is Kathryn okay?"

"She's fine," said Tom, his brow furrowing at her immediate concern for her. "Haven't you spoken to her?"

"Not for days," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. "Not since--"

Her words trailed off and she appeared to be lost in her own thoughts. The realization of what was upsetting her so much hit Tom with a thundering blow, as suddenly everything was clear to him. The truth had been staring him in the face this whole time but he doggedly refused to acknowledge it for his own selfish reasons. He sat forward in his seat, his eyes searching her listless features.

"God, you're really in love with her, aren't you?" Tom breathed in a hushed voice. B'Elanna met his gaze, her eyes wide like a startled animal's. She swallowed with difficulty but couldn't find the words to answer him. She didn't have to though, her pained silence put any doubts Tom had to rest. What had he done? He winced when he thought how callously he had bullied her in to breaking off her relationship with Janeway, using his friendship as a cover for his true motivation. In truth, Tom did not want to see B'Elanna with anyone but himself.

Though he didn't admit this to himself at the time, it was why he had gone to her that day and forced her to feel guilt and shame for simply loving someone else. Tom was sickened at his own behavior, even he hadn't thought he could sink that low. He had no right to come between two people who loved each other, no matter how jealous it might make him. Tom placed a tentative hand around B'Elanna's, and cleared his throat uneasily.

"If you love her, why did you call it off?"

"I suppose I was worried that you were right, that I was just taking advantage of her after such a terrible experience," she shrugged, her eyes welling with tears. The sight was enough to cause a lump to rise in Tom's throat too, knowing he was to blame. "I was scared I was hurting Kathryn more than I was helping her. I couldn't live with myself if I did that."

"You never hurt her, B'Elanna, except maybe when you said goodbye," Tom whispered, his imploring eyes on hers. "I never meant for any of this to happen. I never wanted you to go through this. I was wrong, B'Elanna. I'm sorry."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "But you were right, Tom. I should never have allowed myself to get so involved-"

"You love her, that's all that matters!" he cried desperately. "And Kathryn loves you too, I'm sure of it. I was just too arrogant and selfish to admit it. I had no right to say what I did."

"It's all right, Tom, it's not your fault. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be..."

"It WAS meant to be, all right, only I nearly ruined everything. But maybe I can do something about that," Tom suddenly leapt from his chair and rushed to the door. Throwing a quick glance over his shoulder as he departed he added,

"It's about time I did the right thing for once."

With that, Tom ran out of the room, leaving B'Elanna to puzzle over his fevered promise. 

After ten minutes had passed, B'Elanna began to pace impatiently in the confines of her quarters. Her mind was in a whirl of activity as she ran through a hundred different scenarios of her own imagining. Just what had Tom meant? B'Elanna prayed she knew the right answer.

Finally she heard someone entering a security code outside and her door slid open dramatically. Tom burst into the room, dragging a noncompliant Captain along with him. The latter looked very annoyed at having been brought here against her will, but Tom would brook no refusals. He had to make amends if it was the last thing he ever did.

B'Elanna was startled at Janeway’s sudden appearance, and stopped awkwardly in the middle of her quarters, unable to tear her eyes away from her. Kathryn looked just as sleep deprived and miserable as she did, and that realization was somehow comforting to her. Maybe Kathryn did really love her after all...

"Before the two of you say anything, I want you to hear me out," gasped Tom breathlessly, having just forcibly pulled Janeway along all the way from her quarters. She had resisted with inexorable determination, protesting she did not want to see B'Elanna and threatening to call Security if he didn’t release her this instant. 

Kathryn was barely able to hold it together just thinking about her after B’Elanna had broken up with her, but to actually come face to face with her for the first time was a daunting prospect.

"Now, a few days ago I did something really stupid," continued Tom, his breathing almost back to normal. "I came to you, B'Elanna, under the guise of friendship and persuaded you to stop seeing the Captain."

Kathryn’s eyes widened at this revelation, she had had no idea this was all Tom's doing. Her face grew flushed with anger, but Tom simply held up a hand to silence her.

"Please, Captain, let me finish. I was a jerk. I wasn't thinking about how you and B'Elanna felt, I was only concerned with how I felt. The truth is I was jealous, plain and simple. I allowed that to get in the way of our friendship, B’Elanna, and your trust in me, Captain. I don't know why I was stupid enough to risk that, but then, that's me. We all know I'm a screw-up. But that should not come between the two of you. You love each other and you should be together..." Tom caught his breath after his monologue, and waited for one of them to speak. When neither of them did, he held up his hands in surrender. "That's all I have to say. I just want you to know that I'm sorry, truly sorry, and I care about you both more than anyone. I just want you to be happy."

Tom nodded at the two of them, and slowly backed towards the door. Kathryn and B'Elanna were still standing across the room from each other in silence, as the doors closed behind their friend. They glanced guardedly at one another, not sure what to say. So much needed to be said, but where to begin?

B'Elanna tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear and contemplated the dark carpet at her feet, before she plucked up the courage to meet his face squarely. Kathryn’s chest was rising and falling with each breath and the movements quickened as B'Elanna stepped slowly towards her. She was drawn to her too, their eyes locked together by a power stronger than both of them. 

They stopped just inches from each other, though neither could remember crossing the distance. Kathryn opened his mouth to finally say something, but B'Elanna hastily placed a finger to her lips, silencing her words. Everything had already been said. Kathryn smiled slightly under her touch and gently took her in her arms in a tender embrace. B'Elanna pressed her face into Kathryn’s neck and let go the flood of emotion that had been welling up inside her for days. She stood enveloped in Kathryn’s love and a feeling of peace settled over her, banishing all her doubts and worries. B’Elanna felt nothing but her reassuring hand on the back of her head and her steady heartbeat on her chest.

It didn't matter any more if Voyager was in the Alpha or Delta Quadrant, she was already home.

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot I finished this story and only remembered it because of my dear reader's comments. This is what I had written and finished, and I hope it satisfying ending. Sorry it took over a year for me to post this short ending. There's not enough apologies in the world for that.   
> Thank you for reading, and I hoped you enjoyed the story as much as I had writing it dear reader! :)


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